Fire and Rain

-And with these our Hells and our Heavens so few inches apart,

We must be awfully small

and not as strong as we think we are-

Rich Mullins

There is a fire raging in nearby Colorado.  It is destroying homes and wilderness.  It is filling the air with smoke and ash.  It is making the sky dark.  It is threatening the lives of those who choose to fight it back and protect us.  I understand why we say fires are raging- this fire has a fury- it rages across the pine beetle infested mountains and foothills.  When I awoke this morning miles away the winds had shifted and the smoke burned my throat.  This fire is strong.  It is powerful.

Yesterday as we drove home through the canyon that runs parallel to the active fire there was this beautiful juxtaposition.  On one side was a huge smoke plume and gray skies and haze.  On the other side was a storm building with the evidence of rain falling, the sun providing backlight. It was beautiful and peaceful.  There came a point where the two met and my mind wandered.  What is it like in that spot where the rain meets fire?  Where is that exact point where the two connect?  Then I realized it is exactly where I am standing in life, between my Hells and Heavens.

My life right now is a meeting of fire and rain.  I'm standing in the middle turning in circles being burned and quenched, often in the very same instance.  My daughter got married last weekend.  The day could not have been more beautiful. The wedding was a celebration of her and a new son and a new branch of the family.  It was a gathering of friends from near and far.  It was a rejoicing in God's greatest gift- and the greatest of these is love.  It was a beautiful peaceful rain.  My baby girl got married last weekend.  She will never truly come home again.  She will never again inhabit that messy bedroom downstairs or tumble up the stairs in the morning trying to be grumpy and end up showering me with laughter.  My mind has been full of memories- fixing her  hair, fixing her scrapes and bruises, fixing her favorite meal.  Now someone else will be doing the fixing.  I'm the back up.  This is as it should be- and she picked well, I would have selected him for her myself-  but there is a sense of loneliness and sadness in the midst of so much joy.   There is a bit of fire I'm fighting back as I settle in to the new normal.  

My son is growing up.  He is amazing.  I watch him and I am so proud of the man he is becoming.  Lately he's had to make some tough choices and he's gone through some struggles and he's handled them with such grace.  He is my gentle summer rain.  It is every mother's wish to raise a child to become a giving, caring, responsible, thoughtful, independent adult.  But, when you do your job well you are setting the stage for them to leave.  It's rain meeting fire.  It creates this beautiful and painful middle ground.

There are other fires and rains meeting in my life.  Tumor markers go up and tests are ordered yet my husband is alive and well today and we are lucky enough to truly enjoy each others' company in this now very quiet house.  Cancer is a fire, choosing to find the blessings that lie beneath it is rainfall.  

Pine cones only release their seeds under the pressure and heat of fire.  Fire creates new growth.  Rain allows this growth to create beauty all around us.  This fire and rain in my life is creating beauty.  I have to allow the pain and joy to coexist if this is to happen.

I was given a precious gift recently- a bowl of amazing rocks.  Rocks are not harmed by fire.  Rocks withstand the heat and pressure and the rains come and wash them clean. The rocks have been a symbol to me lately and I held one tightly as I cleaned my daughter's empty room and when I pondered next week's tests and results.  The rocks remind me that this fire will not consume me, and the giver is a gift in my life.  She is a rock for me when I feel I may crumble.  She stands at the point where fire meets rain daily and she knows the beauty and pain.  

We are small and not as strong as we think we are.  I believe that is why God provided friends and rocks and weddings and daughters and sons and fire and rain.  He knew I would need all of these things to make my way in this life and I am thankful for them- even when I don't want to be. The fires rage on but I am choosing today to face the rain and receive its soothing.

Ode to my Son on the Eve of Seventeen

Since he was born he's been swinging for the fence. He took the bull by the horns and decided to make his arrival early. When we made him wait he settled in and dug in his heels- part compliance, part ornery.  He had to be coaxed out and he took his good old time arriving.  It's okay, he was worth the wait.

His father immediately welcomed his future baseball player.  But, we should have known Ryan had his own plans.  He did not like baseball as a young child.  In fact, he showed no interest at all.  Dad suffered in silence as he indulged skateboarding, football, video games, and swimming.  I still clearly remember the day- in Ryan style at the last minute- that he came home and announced that he thought he'd like to try out for baseball at the age of 11.  He missed the t-ball days and little league days but Dad made up for lost time quickly.  The bats were purchased, gloves were oiled, buckets of balls were collected.  He made the majors with two weeks of baseball under his belt.  He came to it naturally.  The sport fit him like a glove.

Though a natural player, baseball did not come easily.  His first season was tough as he learned rules and tried out positions.  We have many entertaining stories of the patience his coaches displayed and their willingness to let him try out anything.  The boy carried every piece of equipment with him in his bag just in case.  When his team ran out of catchers toward the end of the season he begged "Put me in, Coach!" and his coach reluctantly announced, "I'm going to let Ryan catch."  Ryan and his coach survived the rest of the game, we all discovered the kid could catch a bit, and we all laughed. 

Ryan didn't connect with the ball at first but he always swung with conviction, aiming for the fence.  He did get his first home run that first season.  I stared with amazement before sprinting to the parking lot to get the ball.  It is in a display case in his room, joined by a few others over the past years.  

Ryan has done many things over the last five years that have made me proud.  They aren't the things he might think they are.  Ryan is a team player.  You won't find one more supportive of his fellow players.  I love that about him.  He spends extra time working with the younger boys- remembering that first season and what it was like for him.  Ryan is respectful to adults.  Coaches tend to discredit him because he came to the game later and he is younger than his grade level peers.  One or two have been cruel.  He has never uttered a disrespectful word on the field to a coach or a referee.  (He's not a saint, I'm sure he has said some choice things in the dugout.)  He keeps his head up when the game isn't going his way and he takes many things in stride always believing his time is coming.  And, Ryan always swings for the fence knowing that parking lot is out there and I'm always ready to sprint to retrieve the ball.  


I've been watching Ryan lately.  It's not been an easy start to the season.  He's had good days and bad.  He's struggled to make his hits and pitches at times.  It's not the start he wanted.  He has an incredible amount of talent, potential, and passion and I am certain it will burst forth soon.  For now, he's learning life lessons through baseball- and teaching me a few at the same time.


I hope I always support those who follow behind me and walk beside me.  I hope I am always respectful in public situations.  I hope I can learn to take things in stride.  And, most of all, I hope I always swing for the fence.


Cancer has thrown us a few curve balls.  We've swung and missed twice.  But, we've put on the rally caps and as Ryan has taught us we will swing for the fence.  It's time for a home run and some celebrating.  


Happy Birthday, Ryan!  Keep swinging for the fence.  You're going to change the world around you.  Just look how you're changing me!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmeMljNdvDo