Lately I feel like I've been going through life wearing different masks. It's been an exciting time in our family. We have been waiting anxiously for that first post-chemo scan. My husband had it last week and, for all intents and purposes, it was clear. No sign of cancer. None. Wow, my husband has been battling stage IV cancer for nearly four years. No sign of disease. It was difficult to digest what the doctor was saying. I am a glass half empty type of person and I find I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Though I wasn't truly expecting to hear bad news I was secretly preparing myself for it- just in case. Those are the times I curse my human flesh and lack of faith. I have a difficult time just letting go and trusting. I pretend to do so. I put on the mask of faith. I tell people I'm believing and trusting. I try to live each day as if I am believing and trusting. Behind the mask I'm terrified and always making a plan B. I often try to go behind God and plan for what He may not deliver. I am convinced He laughs at me. How ridiculous does that sound? How ridiculous is that? Yet, I do it all the time. God will answer these prayers for health--- but, if He doesn't here's what I'll do. It's exhausting.
I recently received an unexpected honor. I was humbled. But, receiving this honor meant giving a speech. I don't give speeches. I talk in front of adults all the time but I don't give speeches. Then, the speech topic was about all that I've learned as a leader. A leader? I started the speech by saying that I have been known to lead people astray from time to time. I gave my speech and talked about those who have been leaders in my life and how I've tried to follow their example. I talked about the qualities of leadership- leaders must never forget what it feels like to follow, must have the integrity to admit when they're wrong, must listen... The speech miraculously went quite well. They provided a podium to obscure my shaking which was quite thoughtful. The whole time I'm giving this speech and accepting this award there are things going on in my life that did not make me feel like much of a leader. I was struggling with issues in day to day life that made me feel like I put on the mask of a leader. I felt like a fraud and wrestled with this for days up to the speech and days after. One of my students was in the audience smiling every time I made eye contact and I realized that she saw me as a leader. That realization both made my heart soar and gave me a sick feeling in the pit of the stomach. Teachers have an awesome responsibility to their students. There are moments in life when that really hits me and I'm reminded that teachers are teaching every second of the day.
My son just signed a letter of intent to play college baseball. It is a long time dream realized. It is in a place none of us would have ever guessed he'd go and yet it is the perfect place for him. He'll be with a coach that will be that leader for him. God orchestrated this whole scenario and the way it all fell into place is another blog post and a remarkable story from start to finish. I put on my mask recently of being proud of him and happy for him and excited for the new journey. Behind the mask- a heartbroken mother facing an empty nest knowing that her son is becoming an adult and will be 9 hours away next year on his own. It is funny how encouraging your children to pursue their dreams means your own dreams change. How many times I wanted to say "No"- it's too far away, we'd never see you, it's cold there... But, when he truly asked my opinion I had to be honest- I don't think you'll find a better fit and I think you should trust this one and go with it. My heart cracked with each word.
Do you have those people you can be truly authentic with in your life? Do you have people that allow you to remove the masks and be real and honest and gritty? I pray you do. I have a few and I'm so thankful for them. They are my rocks and they don't judge when I am falling apart on the inside while wearing a mask of "put together" for the world to see. I hope I can be that friend to others. We all need those times to drop the masks and be who we are, for better or worse.
I heard at a conference recently that true leaders practice an attitude of gratitude. This is the perfect time of year to begin to count blessings. My husband is in good health. His hair has returned dark, thick, and curly- it was never dark or curly. I have a beautiful family with a new addition this year in a son-in-law any mother would handpick for her daughter. I have a warm home, enough to eat, a job that I love, two crazy dogs. I am blessed- and that's an authentic blessed without any masks.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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