I've often written about balance and life in my blog. Life is black and white and is lived where both meet in the messy gray. This holiday season I am definitely somewhere between a skinny latte and adding whipped cream. When I was in college a friend and I would go to McDonalds and order a caramel sundae and a Diet Coke. Yep, that's where I am this season- somewhere between a sundae and a calorie free Coke. Because we all know they balance each other out somehow, right?
The holidays are about family and gathering and sharing and celebrating. I am blessed to visit my parents- well into their 80's and still relatively healthy- on Christmas Eve. I am blessed to share a holiday with my husband nearly five years after his initial diagnosis of advanced stage cancer. My son is home from college and my basement, much to my surprising joy, looks like a dorm room. My daughter and son in law shared some time with us last week and are still living close by for now. I will see my sister and her husband. We will all celebrate the miracle birth of a child in a manger together.
This year has brought tremendous loss to several dear friends. They have lost women far too early- mothers, daughters, sisters, friends. My heart is heavy for them as they gather and feel the void- trying to balance the joy in memories with a painful loss. Though I trust that all happens for a reason, I am plagued with so many questions left unanswered in this lifetime. I wish I could take pain away. I wish I could offer some answers. I wish I could be with them physically and give hugs and share tears.
My husband recently had a clean CT scan- no physical sign of cancer. In the same breath, the doctor also told us that his tumor markers had gone up another point and he would remain on a 90 day monitoring schedule. The hope and the reality intermingled- the skim milk and the heavy whipping cream. We rest in the blessings we've been given fighting this disease and we realize the fight continues and is never quite behind us.
My son was given a tremendous blessing this past year. We all were so thankful for what was bestowed upon him and celebrated. What does one do when they realize the blessing was really a trial in disguise? He's had a semester of challenges- challenges to his beliefs, his faith, his integrity. I'm so proud of all the decisions he has made but they have not been easy. Things are not always as they seem but they bring with them growth and lessons and strengthening convictions. He has definitely been spending a season in the messy gray. He'll find his way. He's pretty amazing, all in all. I wish I could save him from the growing pains but that would inhibit the growth. How often does God feel that way about me, His child?
I've been what could best be described as restless. My life changed drastically this past year. My house emptied. My eternal search for knowledge ended in what is properly called a "terminal" degree. There are days I crave change and there are days I feel so old that I can't fathom any change at this point. I think Brett and I may be ready for a new adventure- where that leads and what that entails remains to unfold. Whatever lies ahead I'm sure it will be full of sundaes with Diet Cokes, skim milk and whipped cream, ups and downs, losses and gains, pain and growth. That's life. I'm lucky to share it with so many incredible people.
And, this all started because I discovered I do not like peppermint mochas...
Merry Christmas to all!
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Tripped up by my Own Metaphor
It is difficult to describe my love for college basketball. My family has survived it for many years now. My children's most vivid spring break memories are those of running to airport sports bars to find out a score during March Madness. This was, of course, prior to smart phones and laptops. I have a favorite team, which shall remain nameless as not to alienate some readers, but it doesn't have to be my team playing. I'll watch any team play. I love the game. A good offense will score points but often it comes down to a strong defense to win. Defense is key, keep the other guy from scoring. Defense- we make signs to encourage teams to have good defense. It's a negative connotation in some ways. A good defense will shut down a team, will keep them from scoring.
This week I will defend my dissertation. I will offer up a defense to my research. I will be a defender. I will keep the other guys from scoring. I will be on the defensive. Yep, that's how I've been seeing it. It's been scaring me to death. What if those in attendance throw up a trick shot and I can't block it? What if they ask a question and I foul them when deflecting it?
I've been tripped up by my own metaphor.
Today as I prepared and reviewed my presentation and crammed the last bits of knowledge into my head I realized I had to flip the metaphor or I am going to make myself ill over this. I have to call it something besides a "defense". So now I am going to tell you that on Tuesday morning I am going to celebrate and share my dissertation.
I am going to celebrate and share the amazing things I learned from five preservice teachers willing to share their lives with me for more than a year. I am going to celebrate and share the amazing things I learned about myself as a teacher. I am going to celebrate and share the first 150 page paper I've ever written in my life, complete with figures, tables, a table of contents, and near flawless (after many revisions) APA formatting. I am going to celebrate and share what I've learned on this journey. There are questions I may not be able to answer and that's okay. This is not an end to learning- it's a mere stop along the way.
Because my dissertation is all about metaphor I will also most likely share how I've changed my approach to this presentation. My research demonstrated how powerful our metaphors are in our lives. Today I realized how powerful mine was for this event.
On a completely different note. Our family has experienced a metaphor for irony named Jack, our beloved eleven year old Jack Russell Terrier. I adore Jack but he is no doubt my husband's dog. When my husband would return from surgery or be ill from chemo it was Jack who comforted him. When my husband was in the hospital it was Jack who mourned his absence and placed himself directly on the bed each night to fill the void. My husband has battled colon cancer.... twice... and survived. Some of this strength came from Jack. Jack had great empathy for Brett and was so in tune to his illness. Friday we learned that Jack has a mass in his colon. Brett will now be Jack's support as we learn what the future holds. Now, that, my friends, is irony at its finest. It will be a privilege to care for Jack and spoil him rotten until his end of days. I'm convinced that we will spoil him rotten and he will in turn live to be twenty or so just to enjoy it. Whatever happens we will return the favor in glorious style for as long as we can.
This week I will defend my dissertation. I will offer up a defense to my research. I will be a defender. I will keep the other guys from scoring. I will be on the defensive. Yep, that's how I've been seeing it. It's been scaring me to death. What if those in attendance throw up a trick shot and I can't block it? What if they ask a question and I foul them when deflecting it?
I've been tripped up by my own metaphor.
Today as I prepared and reviewed my presentation and crammed the last bits of knowledge into my head I realized I had to flip the metaphor or I am going to make myself ill over this. I have to call it something besides a "defense". So now I am going to tell you that on Tuesday morning I am going to celebrate and share my dissertation.
I am going to celebrate and share the amazing things I learned from five preservice teachers willing to share their lives with me for more than a year. I am going to celebrate and share the amazing things I learned about myself as a teacher. I am going to celebrate and share the first 150 page paper I've ever written in my life, complete with figures, tables, a table of contents, and near flawless (after many revisions) APA formatting. I am going to celebrate and share what I've learned on this journey. There are questions I may not be able to answer and that's okay. This is not an end to learning- it's a mere stop along the way.
Because my dissertation is all about metaphor I will also most likely share how I've changed my approach to this presentation. My research demonstrated how powerful our metaphors are in our lives. Today I realized how powerful mine was for this event.
On a completely different note. Our family has experienced a metaphor for irony named Jack, our beloved eleven year old Jack Russell Terrier. I adore Jack but he is no doubt my husband's dog. When my husband would return from surgery or be ill from chemo it was Jack who comforted him. When my husband was in the hospital it was Jack who mourned his absence and placed himself directly on the bed each night to fill the void. My husband has battled colon cancer.... twice... and survived. Some of this strength came from Jack. Jack had great empathy for Brett and was so in tune to his illness. Friday we learned that Jack has a mass in his colon. Brett will now be Jack's support as we learn what the future holds. Now, that, my friends, is irony at its finest. It will be a privilege to care for Jack and spoil him rotten until his end of days. I'm convinced that we will spoil him rotten and he will in turn live to be twenty or so just to enjoy it. Whatever happens we will return the favor in glorious style for as long as we can.
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