I've often written about balance and life in my blog. Life is black and white and is lived where both meet in the messy gray. This holiday season I am definitely somewhere between a skinny latte and adding whipped cream. When I was in college a friend and I would go to McDonalds and order a caramel sundae and a Diet Coke. Yep, that's where I am this season- somewhere between a sundae and a calorie free Coke. Because we all know they balance each other out somehow, right?
The holidays are about family and gathering and sharing and celebrating. I am blessed to visit my parents- well into their 80's and still relatively healthy- on Christmas Eve. I am blessed to share a holiday with my husband nearly five years after his initial diagnosis of advanced stage cancer. My son is home from college and my basement, much to my surprising joy, looks like a dorm room. My daughter and son in law shared some time with us last week and are still living close by for now. I will see my sister and her husband. We will all celebrate the miracle birth of a child in a manger together.
This year has brought tremendous loss to several dear friends. They have lost women far too early- mothers, daughters, sisters, friends. My heart is heavy for them as they gather and feel the void- trying to balance the joy in memories with a painful loss. Though I trust that all happens for a reason, I am plagued with so many questions left unanswered in this lifetime. I wish I could take pain away. I wish I could offer some answers. I wish I could be with them physically and give hugs and share tears.
My husband recently had a clean CT scan- no physical sign of cancer. In the same breath, the doctor also told us that his tumor markers had gone up another point and he would remain on a 90 day monitoring schedule. The hope and the reality intermingled- the skim milk and the heavy whipping cream. We rest in the blessings we've been given fighting this disease and we realize the fight continues and is never quite behind us.
My son was given a tremendous blessing this past year. We all were so thankful for what was bestowed upon him and celebrated. What does one do when they realize the blessing was really a trial in disguise? He's had a semester of challenges- challenges to his beliefs, his faith, his integrity. I'm so proud of all the decisions he has made but they have not been easy. Things are not always as they seem but they bring with them growth and lessons and strengthening convictions. He has definitely been spending a season in the messy gray. He'll find his way. He's pretty amazing, all in all. I wish I could save him from the growing pains but that would inhibit the growth. How often does God feel that way about me, His child?
I've been what could best be described as restless. My life changed drastically this past year. My house emptied. My eternal search for knowledge ended in what is properly called a "terminal" degree. There are days I crave change and there are days I feel so old that I can't fathom any change at this point. I think Brett and I may be ready for a new adventure- where that leads and what that entails remains to unfold. Whatever lies ahead I'm sure it will be full of sundaes with Diet Cokes, skim milk and whipped cream, ups and downs, losses and gains, pain and growth. That's life. I'm lucky to share it with so many incredible people.
And, this all started because I discovered I do not like peppermint mochas...
Merry Christmas to all!
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