If you've ever driven down a one way street you know you're pretty lonely. There's no one on either side of you to look at or greet. Today, however, I began to think about two way streets which in my mind are the opposite- two lanes going against each other with plenty to take in all around. Is this what we really believe about communication? I understand the metaphor to represent that communicating has to go both directions to be successful but today I thought about this metaphor a little more deeply. Do we really want our communication to be represented by vehicles going in opposite directions and simply passing each other at some point? Do we really want communication to be represented by busy streets and traffic and honking? I experienced some of that today on some two way streets as I traveled for work.
I joined an online support group for cancer caregivers. I wanted a place to share where other people "get it". I wanted to connect with people going through some of the same things in life. But, honestly, I was worried about connecting with strangers and building open communication in an online forum (she ironically says in a blog). I wasn't sure how we could carry on dialogue and support each other without directly speaking, without sharing our last names, where we lived, and other details that might identify us to each other. I was skeptical. What I have found, though, is that I have bonded with several other caregivers online. I know them by "name" and we check in with each other nearly every day. We can be real. We can say the ugly things we bottle up all day. We can talk about how angry we are at cancer and its many inconveniences. We communicate so well. Today I was pondering why it works. I think it comes down to two reasons. First of all, we are all on the same street. We understand the terrain. Second of all, we're going down the street side by side, not against each other in passing. We post and take time to reflect and ponder before reaching out to each other. I think it has created an atmosphere of communication that is a model for everyday life and my interactions with others. When I "talk" with these new found friends I first read or "listen", then I contemplate and prepare my thoughts, and then I respond.
All of this pondering of two way streets and communication was borne from a problem I am having communicating with someone. I say things that are taken incorrectly and then the response is defensive and hurtful. I don't think this person is intending this and I'm certainly not intending to be abrupt or hurtful. We obviously are having a problem- our communication car has broken down on the side of the road and we need a tow truck desperately. Today I was thinking about what works in the online support group and how it could apply to this situation. Maybe I'm not truly listening before I respond. Maybe I'm not establishing a clear direction. Maybe I'm driving too fast for conditions and I need to slow down and carefully choose my words and responses. This person and I are definitely on a two way street when it comes to communication. We pass each other and once in awhile we make a brief connection but it doesn't last as traffic flows. We need to find a way to go in the same direction. I'm challenging myself to make a u-turn this week. I'm also challenging myself to replace the two way street metaphor with a new one to describe how I think communication can truly be represented. With all the road work and detours going on around my home town it is definitely time for a new metaphor.
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