It's a Numbers Game

I've always had a fascination with numbers.  Lately my life has become all about numbers.  We are hoping the odds are in our favor.  We are counting down treatments.  We are worrying about dosages- 120 mg versus 180 mg.  We have been supplied five year survival rates.  We have been supplied percentage of risk that cancer will return to the liver.  We count mileage for our taxes. We count two days out from treatments knowing when Brett will have his worst day and then get better.  We count money for bills and expenses.  We count hours during treatment and hours between.

I try to count good things.  I count blessings.  I count friends.  I count good days.  I count jogging mileage in hopes of increasing slowly and steadily.  I count days until summer break.  I count days until my daughter's wedding.  I count days until my son's first baseball game as a varsity player with great excitement for him. 

I am admittedly a bit compulsive with my counting and measuring.  For example, I drive Brett completely crazy with my dislike for odd numbers.  I won't stop running at 49 minutes- I'll go 50.  I won't walk 21 laps at the gym- I'll go 22.  I like even numbers.  I like things neat and tidy and divisible into two equal parts.  It's a part of my type A personality that reveals itself more and more to me these days.  I like control.  I like to be in the driver's seat.  This does not mix well with cancer.  Cancer has too many unknowns.

It is difficult to be a control freak type A person and watch someone you love go through cancer treatments.  The side effects are unpredictable from day to day and there is really little I can do to help.  It is difficult to be a control freak type A person and reconcile where faith must enter in to life.  Where do I end and where do true faith and trust begin?  This brings me to my favorite number.  One.

One mustard seed.  I need the faith of one mustard seed to move mountains.  That's not a lot.  It's more than I have most days but it's not a lot.  I'm working on it.  I'm striving for it.  One risen savior to celebrate this beautiful Easter.  One risen savior who knew what a control freak I would turn out to be and loves me anyway.  One husband picked just for me who understands me better than I do some days.  One beautiful and loving family that lives and laughs in a chaotic house.  One battle to face and one God to carry us through it all. One promise of a hope and a future.

I will continue to live this life one day at a time and find at least one thing to treasure about each day. Today the blessings are numerous;  sunshine , father and son playing baseball, soon to be husband and wife coloring eggs, a great run, new beginnings and the hope and promise of the Easter season.  One great day!