Forgive me but I'm going to have a little bit of a rant and I am using the metaphor of red to begin- red is anger, red is ranting, red is fury, red... I'm seeing red....
I've grown exceptionally weary of one word this week- just-. Not just as in fair, but just as in only. Oh, you're just getting one chemo drug (i.e. dose of poison) this week. You have just twelve weeks left of treatment. You just have to drive 90 miles. You just have stage III cancer. You just have one site of metastasis. You just lost some of your hair. You're just tired. You've just got infection in two of your fingers. You just have to get through the summer. You just have three hours in the clinic today.
We use "just" to minimize things. It is well meaning and well intended. We want to downplay and make things better. I know I've employed this with my own children. Last week when my son was buried in homework I told him he just had to get through a few more weeks of school until summer. It was meant to be positive and encouraging. He gave me the look that let me know it was neither of those things. He was having a real crisis. He was in real stress. There was nothing "just" about the situation. He wanted validated not minimized.
Because we use the word "just" to minimize there are situations where it is incredibly demeaning. I tread lightly here because I am still a bit raw but this week I was referred to as "just a teacher". If you are reading this and are a teacher or love a teacher or value education the hair on your neck just stood on end. It sounds so negative to be just a teacher. I've never once heard Brett's doctor referred to as just an oncologist. I've never heard anyone say, "You've just got cancer." But, yes, I'm just a teacher. I won't lie. I became internally angry at the comment. Then I tried to rationalize that this person didn't really mean it the way it sounded (but I think they did). I then entered into this phase of deep contemplation wondering how many times I have been guilty of minimizing someone's calling, career, passion, choice. I'm certain I'm guilty. I'm certain that it hurt when I did it. I have come to hate the word "just".
I've been thinking a lot about my electronic footprint. What do I want left behind for people to discover when I'm gone? They say if you post something on the internet it remains forever. That's a heavy thought, especially for someone who processes "aloud" by blogging and baring their soul. I don't share this rant to point a finger at someone. My hope is to challenge myself to choose my words carefully. I don't want to take for granted what someone is going through. I don't want to minimize someone's choices and accomplishments.
So, if this post becomes part of my electronic footprint and my legacy what would I want people to know? First of all, you can never just have cancer. It encompasses every aspect of your life. It overshadows every day, every action, every decision. You can never just put it away for awhile. You have to acknowledge this and work within it. You have to surround yourself with those who are positive and supportive and allow you to rant, to cry, to laugh, to share. Secondly, I'm just a teacher. Cancer is just a teacher. It changes you forever. It teaches you to align your priorities and count your blessings. It teaches you to treasure life and breath and sunshine and laughter and time. It teaches you to reach out to others and to open yourself up to others who want to help. Cancer is a powerful teacher. If I can have even one tiny speck of that impact upon my students then I am happy to be just a teacher.
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