This post has been brewing in my mind for days. I process things by writing about them but I have been feeling quite raw and did not know what to do with my emotions and thoughts and didn't feel like being open and human and vulnerable. I follow a young lady who has struggled with cancer and her parents shared a video on her site. The video is a man sharing his story of losing his daughter. It is raw and accurately described so many things I've been feeling lately. It isn't pretty or beautiful yet it touched something inside of me and was exactly what I needed to hear. It brought me healing to hear someone else share the ugly. I needed the raw and honest and humanity tonight. Then it occurred to me that others may need that, too. After much prayer and reflection I am going to share the ugly and beautiful that is juxtaposed within my life these days.
They tell you as a caregiver to ask for help. I hear this repeatedly. I read this repeatedly. I'm not good at it. After all, asking for help shows weakness. Even though I believe that to rob someone of any opportunity to help robs them of the joy they receive, I still hear the small voice inside of me that says it makes me a burden to them. I rarely ask for help. Last week I found myself at the end of my rope ( a perfect metaphor because I felt like I was dangling off a cliff about to tumble into the abyss of insanity). I just wasn't handling life well. I needed to ask someone for help. I agonized over it for days. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask. I had no other option. I asked. I received the socially expected response for someone in my situation. "Of course, anything!". This was a request of someone I considered a friend whom I deeply respected. To say that this person did not honor my request would be an understatement. They actually, probably unknowingly, made the situation much worse and added to my stress. I was injured. I was so sad. I was disappointed. I tried to put it into words for Brett. Finally, I told him it was as if I had been kicked in the teeth. Yes, that's exactly what it was like. Wow, it hurt. It caught me by surprise. Having had extensive dental work I know that when teeth are shifted and replaced your entire bite changes and you have to adjust how you chew and even how you talk. This experience is causing me to adjust and heal and change. I had to exercise forgiveness. I had to move forward. I'm working on putting it behind me. I'm trying to get over the gut reaction. I said I'd be human and raw- if someone kicks you in the teeth you really want to kick them back even harder. It's a human reaction and I had it. It didn't last but I had it. I believe I used the word "assault" a few times. I'm in the process of healing and learning to move on. I'm also trying not to be bitter and closed off. For several days I have really not wanted to interact or talk with anyone. I think I've been afraid my emotions would flow freely and I'd never be able to reign them back in. I expected the tidy request/response scenario. It didn't happen. I expected this person to know me well enough to realize I would never ask for something unless it was absolutely necessary and I was very serious. They did not. They played upon my vulnerabilities and loyalties and made my situation much worse. Even as I write this it is hard to say that I will ask for help again any time soon. I worry that people think I'm seeking pity. I worry that it somehow diminishes my efforts to help others. I worry that people just get tired of hearing about cancer and its struggles. It's a downer. That's just honesty and humanity and I'm trying to own it, put it out there, and work through it.
I do believe that life is always about balance. To balance my life and my post I have to share another event this week. In the midst of the hurt and anger and bitterness and sadness a dear friend came to my office (even though I didn't want to be with anyone and I'm ever so glad she did it anyway!). She asked if there was anything she could do. My friend is a knitter. Earlier that morning I had watched a young woman at Starbucks refuse a cardboard sleeve for her coffee cup and pull the cutest knitted sleeve out of her pocket to slide around her cup. I coveted it. So, I told my friend I needed one of the cool coffee things. She was quick to oblige and presented me with a beautiful coffee cozy. A cozy- it hugs your coffee cup. At the risk of sounding corny- every time I use it I feel like I'm getting a hug, too. In the middle of one of the worst weeks of this journey something small provided such warmth and restored my faith in humanity.
It's been a tough few weeks. Today was a weekly chemo treatment and we had a balance of good news and bad news. I am weary. My heart is heavy. This is not a journey for the faint of heart. I'm needing to "re"- rebalance, refocus, rejuvenate. A long road lies ahead. I'm trying to get back to seeing the blessings. I'm trying to remember the amazing friends we have who want to help. I'm trying to remember that all of this- even the ugly- happens for a reason and growing and changing is often painful. Life can be ugly. I'm trying to give myself permission to feel that way from time to time. This is just one on of those times and this, too, shall pass.
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