A pity party is not a party at all- there are no balloons, no loud music, no decorations.... After an exhaustive (5 minute) search I have not been able to locate the origin of the name of this event. I have found some creative definitions and I can personally confirm that feeling sorry for yourself does not involve festivities. In fact, it brings isolation.
Last week I had myself a pity party. I think the reality and brevity of our situation really sunk in on so many levels. The long road ahead felt endless. Bills began to pour in and I don't really think that is a metaphor as one day the mailbox was filled to overflowing and a few literally poured to the ground. Side effects from chemo medications arrived- we knew they were coming, they still took me by surprise as if we would somehow be immune to them. I did what I know I should not do and read medical journals about metastasized colon cancer and treatment success and recurrence rates. Those are numbers, we are humans. My head knows this, my heart has a difficult time rationalizing it. Then, of course, I get angry- as if a five year survival rate is something to be celebrated- what are they thinking? Five years is but a drop in the bucket. Where are those 20-30 year survival rates? Why aren't they publishing and celebrating those? Who cares about five years- give me the 40 more we want.
Suddenly, I was five years old- stomping my feet (literally and figuratively) and rolling up in a ball and feeling oh so sorry for myself. To show my advancing age and to quote my mother, "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some worms." I'm going to have to investigate that one further, too. Who eats worms, other than gummy worms, when they are sad? But, I think if someone had told me they'd make me feel better I would have eaten a bucket full. These types of behaviors and moods and feelings don't make anyone want to be around so they lead to isolation. This further feeds the pity- I began to feel very alone.
I know you are hoping for some beautiful clean wrap up to this painfully honest confession but I don't know if I have mastered how to avoid the pity party- turns out I'm quite an events planner. What I do know is that yesterday, in the midst of my husband's birthday marathon chemo treatment, I turned a corner. I had been praying- doing lots and lots of praying. Lord, please restore my balance, my hope, my faith. He never answers with a lightning bolt- drives me crazy. In fact, this is probably going to offend someone out there but I believe we see God's image in that of our father on Earth and I fully believe God finds great humor in me. He sees what is unfolding, I see what is right in front of me at the moment. I bet I crack him up when I stomp my feet. I think God laughs and I think I bring him great joy these days.
I have been so focused on my amazing pity party that I wasn't even seeing what was going on around me. God decided to stop laughing at me and step in and help me out in a gentle loving way; A random text from a friend, an email from another, a friend of Brett's showing up to take him to lunch in the nick of time, a t-shirt I can't wait to order (I'm with the bald hottie), mountain views, baby calves chasing after Mama, sunshine, walks, laughter. My son's baseball sponsorships falling into place so quickly- he raised $600 of the $1000 he needs in a matter of days this week. My daughter's wedding materials all over my spare bedroom like a wedding whirlwind hit. A new son-in-law that we adore who puts up with our craziness somehow. He's definitely a keeper.
And, a birthday! Brett had a birthday! Yesterday it finally hit me how monumental that is. We were blessed with another year. Brett's initial cancer diagnosis was extremely serious. I could have lost him three years ago. Brett's recurrence was extremely serious. I could have lost him a few months ago. We had a birthday yesterday! Wow, no pity party- how can you feel sorry about that? It's all a matter of perspective.
So, pity parties are not at all festive. They are ugly and sad and useless. I'll have more but I'll try to make them shorter so I can move on to celebrate the important things in life that truly deserve a party. In fact, I'm thinking of throwing an impromptu "Glad to be Alive" party soon. Time to celebrate.
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