It's a Miracle!

I was eating Jelly Bellies with Brett today after a nice long walk and talk.  We were sneaking them as sugar is his enemy but you've also gotta live and it's nearly Easter.  I hate buttered popcorn jelly beans.  Popcorn is one of my favorite snacks but it is absolutely not meant to be chewy.  I grabbed several Jelly Bellies and the last one was buttered popcorn.  I grabbed for a nice cinnamon one because the popcorn flavored one had left such a bad taste in my mouth.  

My last post left the same kind of bad taste in my mouth and I've been wanting to write again quickly and share a yummy flavor of life.  I'm not often good at liking myself but I do honestly like how I've aged at times.  I can be very down and negative but I let it go so much more quickly now at my advancing age.  I'm able to put it behind me- truly put it behind me- and move on.  Forgiveness is extended and life goes on.  I also have a better perspective and I really do find myself trying to see things from another's point of view.  Life isn't always about me and how I perceive things may not be how they truly are.  I've come a long way.  So, last week is over- hurts are gone and I'm all about fresh starts and new beginnings. 

I was born with a bad back.  As a child I was diagnosed with scoliosis and my hips were very uneven.  I remember the horrors of facing the start of middle school and wearing a lift in my shoe to even my hips.  The lift only fit in what seemed to me were the ugliest shoes available.  Needless to say, I didn't wear it faithfully.  In college a friend introduced me to running.  I found a release for stress and some thinking, praying, reflecting time.  I loved it.  In my late 30's I began to have many back issues.  Honestly, I've never had a back ache.  All of my problems were lower lumbar and I had left leg aches and pains, my old friend sciatica.  I ruptured a disc and had a laminectomy that held me for two years until I ruptured another one.  The first rupture was when I was playing with my dog and I jumped at her.  I felt it instantly.  The second was when I was in bed with a horrible cold.  I sat up and sneezed, looked at Brett, and said, "I just ruptured a disc".  All in all I have had 6 surgeries on my back and numerous injections for pain.  I had a lumbar fusion with brackets and six screws.  One of the screws was deep and began to hit a nerve so I had surgery to have the hardware removed.  I have the screws.  I put one on a chain to wear once in awhile under my clothes as a reminder of my journey.

Throughout my back struggles running was hit or miss.  I would try to get back to it but symptoms always put an end to it.  All of my nerve damage was related to my left leg and there were days that I did not know if I would walk from my bed to the bathroom.  I had numbness and pain and a drop foot.  I would get brief episodes of relief but full relief did not come until the hardware was removed a few years ago.  I felt like a new person.  I began to run.

On Sept. 11, 2010, I went out and ran 12 miles.  I am terribly slow so it took me an eternity but it felt so good.  I remember the sunshine, the song on my ipod when I hit mile 12, my steady breathing.  I was training for a half marathon and I was elated to have made it that far.  I finished, walked, and stretched.  Later that afternoon my knee felt a bit stiff.  By that evening I could not bend it and couldn't bear to put weight on it.  I did all the right things but days later I sought out a sports injury doctor in an effort to make the half marathon in October.  He was, and still is, a lifesaver.  He worked and worked with me and referred me on when he couldn't help any longer.  Last May I had knee surgery.  They didn't really know what they were going to find- MRI's were not clear as to the problem.  It was my medial plica (some people don't even have one).  It had become inflamed and was making the cartilage angry.  It was removed and the orthopedic doc told me that he usually tells a lot of patients to give up running after surgery.  In my case the knee looked very healthy and he saw no reason why I couldn't run.  I tried right away and the knee just did not want to cooperate.  I took the winter off running.

With Brett's recurrence of cancer I knew I would need some stress relief so I attempted to start running again.  I have been enjoying some great runs while he is sleeping during treatments.  This morning I ran a little over 3 miles to a local park.  With every step I was composing this blog entry.  What I discovered while running this morning is that I am a miracle.  I have had a total of 14 surgeries in my lifetime.  I have had screws in my back.  I have a two level lumbar fusion.  I had to rebuild the strength in my left leg so I was not lopsided.  I had to learn to walk again (twice!) without limping.  I have a muscle in my calf that shows no nerve conduction and I had to work to strengthen the others around it.  There were days I could not walk.  I can run.  I'm not fast but I never was.  I can run.  Wow!  I am a miracle.  Some might say I'm crazy and I won't dispute that butI am a miracle.  I used to rest in the fact that one day I was promised to "run and not grow weary" (that verse was written for me) but this morning I praised that I can run and get weary.  What a gift I have been given.  How blessed I am.

I believe in blessings and I believe in miracles.  I have experienced both in my lifetime.  I know healing is possible.  I have lived it.  I know Brett can also experience healing and that this long journey can have a very welcome and exciting finish line.  I just needed to go for a run and remember my own journey.  We've been carried through so much and we'll continue to be carried along. Heck, maybe we'll even break into a jog from time to time.   

There, that tastes much better!